Pretty is as pretty does

Dear Winston-Salem people:

Specifically the guy I gave the finger to in traffic on my way home from lunch today...

You are stupid. You don't know how to drive. You have apparently not heard of a little thing called merging, wherein people try to get on the interstate...Dude, they're supposed to pull out in front of you. Otherwise they'd just sit there on the onramp all day. And YOU'RE supposed to be a non-dick and let them in, not speed up to keep them from merging in. (You should also not whiz past them and then take the exit. That behavior also has a high dick factor.)

When I pulled out in front of you and you laid on your horn, that told me that you saw me trying to get in but chose to be an ass anyway. Sorry your kid had to see you get the finger.

Dude, you should not ever, ever go to Atlanta if you don't like seeing people merge. I'm just saying. Don't be surprised to find your description and license plate # listed on www.stupidredneckdrivers.com.

Winston-Salem drivers are the worst I've ever seen, and I've driven in Boston, where any kind of shit goes as long as nobody gets killed. The funny thing is that these are probably the same people I hear in the grocery store complaining about onramps backing up into the streets downtown.  This is one wack town.

Merge, people, merge.

Other new business...

Today is Weasel's 3rd birthday. :-( Um, didn't I just get her from that ol' barn back in Georgia? I guess that time machine I bought off the Innernet to turn her back into a kitten did not work. Threats have also failed. She insists on being a snarky grownup cat. Rahr.

An open letter to the crackhead who keeps putting "Cool Burst" in my Starburst

I don't know what rock you were smoking when you went to work that day, but somehow a ginormous case of Starburst delivered to my local CVS now comes with Cool Burst in it, and I cannot get away from it. Like I really want a burst of icy freshness in my Kiwi Mango Melon. I just do not need this kind of shit in my life right now. You crackhead.

I think you used to work for the Tylenol people. Because a few weeks ago I had a sinus headache, and without looking at the package closely, I purchased a box with, you guessed it, a Cool Burst aftertaste. It's more of an after-feel, actually. It doesn't kick in until you've swallowed it, so you end up with this grotey menthol sensation that you can feel sliding down your esophagus. And then it hits your stomach, and things Just Don't Feel Right. Again, I don't need that. The only thing I can figure is that you were on the pipe that day too, and you got fired, and the only people who would hire you were the Starburst people, which doesn't make sense because Starburst slept with your mama, see?

I mean, are you screwing with me? Did you find out how I live in a really small town with no men who aren't camouflage-wearing freakopods decent social outlets and decide to mess with my one reliable pleasure in life? There's a circle in hell reserved for people like you. You just cannot mess with a girl this way when her 3 p.m. sugar jones kicks in.

I have tried getting around your little prank buy experimenting with different types of Starburst--like Tropical, Baja California (which are a little crazy but still yummy), and still you defile my ecstasy. And you mock me! You put a big obnoxious thing on the package that says "This bag contains yucky ice burst filth." So I have to take my chances. And I'm not a girl who likes to take her chances. Not snack-wise, anway.

Anyway, I'm just saying. Back up off my Starburst.

And while we're product ranting, what the hell are these things, and why are they every freakin' where I go lately?